


lab results may vary

by polkaberry



Series: Dakotaverse [6]
Category: Diego Calls His Mom - SNL Sketch, Do No Harm (TV), Saturday Night Live, Saturday Night Live Sketches
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 17:50:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11041215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polkaberry/pseuds/polkaberry
Summary: "he's got more wonder in his pinkie finger than a field full of glass gem corn." - everyone in town





	lab results may vary

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thisstableground](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisstableground/gifts).



Ruben opens an atlas, flips through the pages until he finds the map of the U.S. He closes his eyes, lifts his arm in the air, and proceeds to drop his hand down at a random spot on the map.

He opens his eyes to see that his finger has landed in the center of North Dakota.

_That’s where I’ll go then._

_Start new in the middle of god-knows-where in the upper midwest._

_Maybe the children of the corn will take me._

 

* * *

 

Ruben takes some of the money he has stashed away to purchase a bus ticket to Bismarck. He knows that North Dakota will be cold, so he buys some new jackets, a good pair of boots.

He boards the bus that evening. He’s thirty minutes out before he finds himself getting drowsy. He burrows into one of his new jackets and falls into a blissfully dreamless sleep.

 

* * *

 

Ruben spends the next two days eating, sleeping, and taking brief opportunities to stretch his legs a series of bus stations before finding himself waking up at the Bismarck station. He rubs his eyes, yawns and raises his arms above his head to stretch before gathering his luggage and stepping off the bus.

The front doors of the station face an immense cornfield. Ruben stands on the sidewalk, luggage at his feet, and watches the field for a while. He finds the sporadic flight of birds from the field relaxing; being able to count the times between flights grounds him.

When Ruben has his fill of watching birds, he bends down, picks up his luggage, looks around for a place to eat after hearing his stomach growl from hunger. He spots a diner down the street; he can see the neon open sign glowing in the low light of early evening. He walks to the diner, careful to avoid bumping into people.

Ruben opens the door to the diner, the gentle tinkle of the bell’s chime ringing in his ears. The diner’s empty, so that eases his nerves about being near strangers. He’s looking around at the decor when a cheerful voice from the back informs him that he can sit anywhere he likes. He goes towards the back, slides his luggage underneath the table before taking a seat. He’s fiddling with the silverware when he hears footsteps approaching. He looks up to see a man coming his way, a man who looks so much like him.

_Do I have family here? Am I dreaming again?_

He pinches his arm to check. Pinches his thigh to double-check.

_Yep, very much awake. So do I have family here this is so weird this guy looks just like me what the fuck what the fuck._

He looks down at the table as a distraction, turns the spoon over on the napkin to keep his hands busy.

“Hey, my name is Diego and I’ll be your waiter. What can I get you to drink?”

Ruben looks up at Diego, blinks. “Coffee, please. Thank you.”

“It will be right out, then I’ll get your order.”

He watches Diego walk behind the counter, pour his coffee, and talk to someone through the order window. He sees a man’s face appear through the window; he smiles at Diego and then looks past him to look at his table. Ruben ducks his head down again, uncomfortable from all of the attention he’s suddenly getting.

Diego comes over with the cup of coffee, sets it down in front of him.

“I’ve never seen you in here before. Are you new to town?”

Ruben coughs, makes a show of adding cream and sugar to his cup, stirs the coffee in short circles. “Yes. I literally just got off the bus.”

“Well then, welcome to North Dakota!” Diego sits down across from Ruben, flips the paper of his order pad over to a blank sheet. “So what can I get you? There’s the chef’s special today, which is Preston’s famous chili. He’s in the back, that’s the guy who I was talking to just now.”

Ruben’s thinking _well just make yourself comfortable, stranger_ as he nods before responding.

“That sounds good. I’ll have a bowl of that.” Ruben smiles at Diego, stirs his coffee once more and sets the spoon down on a napkin. Diego busies himself with writing down the order before tilting his head at Ruben.

“Did you know you look a lot like me? That’s so weird. Where are you from? I have a lot of family in Puerto Rico and New York. We’re probably related. I have more cousins than I can imagine. I wouldn’t be surprised if we’re related.”

“That could be true.” 

Diego smiles back at Ruben, slides off the vinyl seat and stands up. “If you need anything while you’re here, just let me know, okay? I’ll have your chili out in a few minutes.”

 

* * *

 

Ruben eats his meal in peace. He’s undisturbed when people start to slowly trickle in for dinner. He crumbles his cornbread into the bowl, stirs it into the chili takes a bite, stirs, bites.

He hasn’t felt this much at ease before everything back _there_  happened. He looks up, sees Diego and Preston smiling and waving at him from the order window.

_How’s the chili?_ Preston mouths. Ruben takes a sip of his coffee and gives Preston a thumbs-up.

 

* * *

 

After Ruben pays his bill, he goes back to the table to retrieve his luggage. He turns around to see Diego and Preston standing at the counter, looking at him curiously.

“Is everything okay?” He starts to feel panic cresting in the pit of his stomach.

“Where are you staying tonight?” Preston asks.

“I don’t know. Probably a hotel.” Ruben frowns. : _Are_ there any hotels around here?”

“We were thinking-” Diego starts; he looks up at Preston, who puts an arm around his shoulders. “We were thinking you might like to stay at ours. We live on a farm on the outskirts of town. It’s much more comfortable than a hotel.”

“It’s quiet and the beds are much more comfortable,” Preston adds, drapes his arm over Diego’s shoulders. “Diego’s idea. You look awfully scared and he thinks you shouldn’t be alone in a new place. Will you accept our offer?”

Ruben knits his brows together and studies the two men.

“Do you ask strange men to stay with you all the time?”

“Nope. But we know a hard-luck case when we see it. We like helping people.” Diego looks up at Preston, softly smiles. “Take this guy here for example. He took me in when I was new. I’m passing it along to you.”

Ruben remains silent.

“There’s cows and sunflowers at our farm. Sometimes there’s cows _in_ the sunflowers. It’s very nice.”

Ruben can’t help but smile at how eager Diego looks, the message of _please say yes please say yes_ telegraphed on his face.

“Ah, what the hell. I’ll stay at your farm.”

Diego beams. "What changed your mind?"

"The thought of cows in sunflowers sold me." 

Diego nudges Preston in the ribs. "I  _told_ you."

*

Ruben sits on one of the chairs at the counter while Diego and Preston close down the diner. He swivels the seat side to side, watching them as they talk to each other while cleaning and putting things away. He spins in the chair a couple of times, stops when he gets to feeling dizzy. He puts his head down in his hands to stop the whirling sensation. He takes five deep breaths before looking up just in time to see Diego lean up and kiss Preston on the mouth.

_Ohhhh. Now I get it._

He quickly looks down again, feels heat rise in his face. He’s just about to get up and scurry to the bathroom to splash water on his face when he hears Diego’s voice float over.

“Hey, Ruben. I made you a plate.”

“I don’t need the extra food.”

“Hey. Don’t argue with me. You look like a man who needs meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

“He’s right,” Preston chimes in. “Don’t argue with Diego. As he likes to say, ‘mama will provide’.”

 

* * *

 

Ruben carefully slides his luggage into the back of Preston’s pickup before he walks around and peers into the cab. Preston’s behind the wheel and Diego’s sort of hovering next to him.

“Did you want to sit in the middle or did you want to ride shotgun? You’ve been on a bus for...how many days? Where did you come from again?”

“Oh, um. I never said.” Ruben scuffles the toe of his shoe against the gravel of the parking lot. “Florida.”

“So that’s, what, like. Three days?” Diego wrinkles his nose. “Preston, let’s give Ruben here shotgun. He can sit by a window that actually rolls down.”

“Sounds good. Everyone get in so we can get home and get some sleep. I’m beat.”

 

* * *

 

Ruben slumps down in the seat, rests his head against the door of the truck. He closes his eyes and breathes deep, taking in the cool night air. He relishes the feel of the breeze blowing over his face.

“Enjoying yourself over there?” Preston says in a molasses-slow drawl. “You look like a dog with its head out the window.”

Ruben lets out a deep laugh, the feeling an unfamiliar sensation. “I look that much into it?”

“You do.”

 

* * *

 

Ruben takes the guest room in the attic. He sits on the edge of the bed, gingerly toes his shoes off before lying back on the bed. He links his fingers and rests his hands on his stomach, closes his eyes and takes five deep breaths again.

_I’m in a safe place. It’s good here. There’s nothing to fear, nothing lurking in the shadows._

He unhooks his fingers, runs his hands over the softness of the bedspread.

“Three days on a bus? Was it that long?” Ruben muses out loud, drums his fingers against his thighs. “Good lord, I should take a shower. Ew. Three days.”

He gets up and makes himself take a quick shower. He pulls on a pair of clean boxers and gets back into bed, falls asleep a few minutes after his head touches the pillow. 

Ruben has a dreamless sleep that night. It’s not dreamless because there’s nothing to dream about; it’s because he’s not worried about anything for once.

 

* * *

 

Ruben wakes up to the smell of coffee wafting into his room. He rubs the sleep from his eyes and looks through the half-open door; there’s a slice of sunlight on the floorboards. He sits up and stretches before swinging his legs over and standing. He stretches again and starts walking downstairs.

He chuckles when he realizes he probably looks like an old-time cartoon character with the way he’s drifting down the stairs, led by a coffee-scented cloud shaped like a hand with two fingers hooked in his nose.

When he makes it to the kitchen, Ruben looks through the doorway to see Diego standing next to the stove. He’s carefully pouring hot water from a pot into a sieve resting on top of a carafe; Ruben has a moment of wondering what’s in the sieve before realizing, _idiot, coffee grounds._

“Good morning, Ruben!” Diego chimes out, turning his head slightly to acknowledge his presence.

“Would you like some coffee?”

“Yes, please. It smells amazing.”

“Ahh, yes. The famous family coffee recipe. Nobody can resist.” He finishes pouring the hot water into the grounds before tapping the sides of the sieve to get the last of the water out. “Do you take cream and sugar?”

“Both, please.”

Diego pours the coffee and adds cream and sugar, stirring it in short order and turning around, holds the cup out to Ruben in a gesture of benefaction.

“Here you go. Let me know how you like it.”

Ruben walks over, his bare feet quietly padding against the wooden floor. He takes the proffered cup from Diego, holds it carefully as he takes a sip. Diego looks on, eyes wide as he waits for Ruben’s reaction.

“Oh.” _sip_  “Oh my god. This is...wow.” _sip sip sip_

“Are you okay over there?” Diego chuckles, gives Ruben a smile.

“There’s magic in this cup,” Ruben murmurs, carefully turning the cup round and round with his fingers.

“Nah, just multigenerational coffee knowledge.”

“Magic,” Ruben insists.

“Y’know, that’s what Preston said the first time he had a cup. I think magic is going to win out as the secret ingredient.”

*

“What did you do before coming here?”

“I was a doctor.”

“Oh wow. What kind of doctor?”

“I did most of my work at a hospital back east.  I worked in the wing that focused on neurology. I also did a little work with genetic disorders.”

“That’s very cool.” Diego tilts his head. “So why did you leave that job?”

“I needed - I needed a break. I had one particular case that rattled me to the core and I just needed to get away so I could clear my head.”

*

“How long have you and Preston been together?”

“Together for three years, married for two.”

“That’s wonderful.”

"Do you have a special someone back home?"

"No. Well, I did, That's part of the reason I left."

"That happens sometimes." Diego pats Ruben's hand. "No judgement here."

"Thank you." 

 

* * *

 

Ruben volunteers to help Preston tie up bales of hay before they go out for sale. He’s given the duty of cutting the twine after tying it into careful knots. 

Preston goes over some of the tied bales, gives an approving nod of Ruben’s handiwork.

"Diego mentioned to me about why you left and came out here. People have to do what they have to do to get better." 

Ruben just nods as he starts to stack the hay bales.

“You’ll do well out here. You seem so much more relaxed already.”

 

* * *

 

Ruben develops a habit of going out to the greenhouse after he’s had a bad dream or a flashback. He finds that tending to the plants helps him come back a lot faster than trying to talk it out with another person.

It’s a common occurrence for either Diego or Preston to walk past the open door of the greenhouse and hear Ruben singing or talking to the plants. They don’t think it’s strange - if the plants are thriving and Ruben is working through his problems by tending to them, then what’s the problem if he’s singing show tunes at the top of his lungs.

 

* * *

 

Three weeks later, Ruben goes camping with Diego and Preston.

There is a stream, and at some point, Ruben stands at the edge of it while Diego and Preston cook dinner at the campsite a few feet away. He finds a rock to sit on so he can remove his shoes and socks.

“You’re going swimming?” Diego asks.

“Yep.” 

“I didn’t know you could swim.”

“Well, yes.”

“Double dog dare you to do a cannonball off the pier later.”

“Okay.”

Ruben undresses down to his underwear before sticking a toe in the water to gauge the temperature.

“Hey, is it cold?”

“Can’t really tell.” Ruben walks into the water, stopping when it’s swirling around his calves. “Hmm, not so bad.”

“Great.”

Diego joins Ruben at the water’s edge before nonchalantly stripping his clothes off and walking into the water. Ruben doesn’t have time to react with how fast Diego moves past him, let alone process that he’s _naked._

“Um. Well. Watch out, it’s cold when you first come in,” Ruben meagerly states as he watches Diego wade over to him.

Preston laughs when he catches sight of Ruben's reddened face.

"I forgot to mention Diego's a bit of a casual nudist on the camping trips. I forgot, I'm sorry!" 

Ruben waves his hand dismissively; he's over it already.

 

* * *

 

Ruben has essentially been welcomed into the fold by everyone. He’s been there less than three months at this point, but he feels like he’s been given the key to the city.

 

* * *

 

Ruben uses what money he still has to rent a store that has an open-air patio in the back. He combines his knowledge of medicine and his love of gardening and uses it to open his own nursery.

It’s very small at first - all he has to sell are root and vine-type vegetables. As time goes on, he adds more varieties of fruits and vegetables, as well as unique offerings after tinkering with crossbreeding things like tomatoes, zucchini, and corn.

There’s a grand opening. Ruben stays close to Diego, who’s set up next to the trellis with a table, his laptop, and two speakers.

“Heeeeeeeeey everyone, it’s DJ Diego on the ones and twos! I hope you all like dancing and plants because I want everyone to look like Groot by the end of the night.”

Ruben walks away and sits next to Preston.

“Is this how he normally talks when he’s had a few drinks?”

“Only if you give him DJ duties.” Preston takes a long pull from his bottle of beer. 

 

* * *

 

The tomatoes are an unexpected hit with the townspeople. They’re fascinated by the large red tomatoes with black streaks throughout the skin. The color schematic isn’t just superficial; when one cuts into one of Ruben’s tomatoes, the black streaks are neatly sectioned into wedges.

Ruben blushes every time someone comes into the nursery to tell him that he’s famous on the local foodie instagrams. He goes to the corner and hides his face behind the lemon trees.

 

* * *

 

One of the waitresses at the diner has taken a real shine to him. Alex doesn’t mind when Ruben comes down to the radio station to sit in on her evening programs.

*

The band Alex books to play her program that night cancelled last minute. Ruben helpfully volunteers that he can play a little guitar and will be more than glad to come in for an hour.

“Can you sing?”

“Badly.”

“Okay. We’ll get Diego in here to sing while you play guitar. You need a band name.”

Ruben thinks for a moment. “Okay, so Diego showed me a meme the other day. The last thing you ate and something to your immediate left.”

“What did he come up with?”

“General Tso’s Chicken Stereo.”

“That’s perfect.”

 

* * *

 

Ruben decides that he wants shorter hair. He gets the notion to take it upon himself and do it one day, so he goes into the bathroom, finds the electric razor, and stares at himself in the mirror as he uses his thumb to slide it on..

The low hum of the razor fills the bathroom as he carefully shaves around his ears and nape of his neck. He’s starting to move the razor up to take care of a new layer of hair when a noise downstairs startles him, causing his hand to sharply twitch upwards. He curses and looks down into the sink to see a too-large clump of hair lying there.

“Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.”

He turns the razor off and sets it down before turning his head to the left and seeing a large bald spot above his ear.

“Aw hell.” Ruben opens the door and walks to the hallway, looking down to see if anyone was home. He hears Diego singing from the kitchen.

“Hey, Diego!”

“Yes?”

“I need, um. I just had a haircutting accident and I need help.”

“How bad?”

“Bald spot.”

“Oh, hell. I’ll be right up, just let me put these cookies in the oven.”

Ruben goes back to the bathroom and sits on the closed lid of the toilet to wait for Diego. He’s giving the razor a forlorn look when Diego walks in.

“Okay. let’s take a look at the damage.” He holds his hands outward. “Can I touch you?”

“Yes, of course.”

Diego carefully turns Ruben’s head, looks at the bare spot. “Oh dear, that’s very serious.”

“What do you suggest?”

“How do you feel about a mohawk?”

Ruben makes a soft humming noise before responding. “That’s a bit much.”

“Tell that to the chunk of hair in the sink.”

“You got me there.”

“It will look good on you. Got the face for it.”

“I do?”

“Mmm, trust me. I know a good idea when I see it.”

“Go for it.”  Ruben closes his eyes when Diego reaches for the razor. He twists his fingers into the fabric of the seat cover when the humming starts.

“I’m going to go slow, okay? Let me know when you want me to stop so you can take a moment.”

“I’ll be okay. I’m in good hands.”

He takes a deep breath before Diego puts the razor to his hair. He keeps up the breathing pattern as he feels more and more of his hair come off; he shivers when cool air starts to blow across his scalp.

“Are you okay? You’re doing pretty good so far.”

“My head’s cold.”

“Aww, Ruben. Do you want me to stop?’

“Nah, keep going. You’re probably almost done.”

A few more minutes pass, Diego humming softly the whole time. Ruben rides it out, fingers going from twisting to tapping in time with the buzzing.

“There we go, aaaaaaaaaaaand. Done.” The buzzing stops.Ruben finally opens his eyes. “Go take a look,” Diego urges as he takes a step back.

Ruben keeps his head down as he stands up and moves in front of the mirror. He looks through his eyelashes and sees most of his hair shaved off except for a neat strip down the middle. He slowly raises his head until he’s looking straight on.

“Oh wow, this looks. Really fucking good.” He reaches up to run his fingertips over the shaved parts of his head. “It feels fucking cool too.”

“So you like it?”

“Yes. Yes I do.”

*

Diego shows off his handiwork to Preston when he comes home that evening. Preston nods approvingly.

“Get him a leather jacket. Nobody’s safe from dangerous rebel Ruben.”

The two men just grin at him while he hides his face behind his hands.

 

* * *

 

With the money he makes from the nursery, Ruben buys himself a moped. He pulls up to the farm on it and beeps the horn twice, a satisfied grin on his face from the noise.

*

Diego and Preston agree that a moped is just as cool as a motorcycle.

‘It will go well with your leather jacket,” says Preston.

“Oh, Ruben. I know what will go well with your jacket.” Diego goes into the house, comes out a few minutes later with something in his hands.

“I want you to have my checkered trousers. We’re about the same size and I know they’re going to look great on you.” He hands the folded fabric to Ruben, who accepts.

“How do you know checkered trousers are my thing?”

“I wore those once and Alex kept checking me out. Trust me, they will look good on you.”

“Definitely gonna get you laid,” Preston adds. “Who can say no to a man with a leather jacket, those pants, and a Vespa? Nobody.”

*

Preston’s advice comes through later that night. Ruben gives Alex a ride home after her show’s over; she gracefully slides off the moped and gives him the spare helmet back.

“Would you like to come inside?”

“Yeah. Yes, I mean yes.”

Alex makes short work of getting her intentions across and even shorter work of getting their clothes off. Ruben’s not had so much fun with someone else in a while; if he wasn’t being made to laugh, he was having the breath kissed out of him.

He makes it back to the farm in the wee hours of the morning, making sure to stay quiet as he goes up the stairs to his room.

He’s razzed about in the morning, of course. Diego points out the hickey on his neck and Preston remarks about the pep in his step.

 

* * *

 

Ruben is presented with a giant package of socks as a birthday gift from Diego and Preston.

“Socks, huh?”

“A sensible gift,” Diego explains. “Also, the feeling of wriggling your toes in a new pair of socks is beyond compare.”

“I agree with him there,” Preston adds.

*

Later on that day, Ruben sits on the edge of his bed, removes his shoes and socks, and reaches for the package of socks laying on his nightstand. He tears the top strip off, opens the bag, and pulls out a pair. He slides them on carefully, places his feet flat on the floor. 

“Oh my god, they’re right.” He looks down as he wriggles all of his toes against the soft cotton, relishing the feel of the fresh material rubbing against his feet.

 

* * *

 

The fourth of July rolls around. Diego and Preston take Ruben to the city’s fireworks show.

They give him the middle spot when they lie on the hood.

“New people always get the middle spot.”

Ruben laces his fingers and rests his hands on his stomach, relaxed. He points out what elements make the fireworks their colors, which makes Diego and Preston go _ooh_ and _aah_ in response.

_I’m at home here,_ he thinks. _I could stay here for a while._

**Author's Note:**

> drop me a line on the blue hell site @daffydilly


End file.
